Female friendships are so vital to who we are as women. For decades, these tight-knit sisterhoods have had such a prominent influence on us as humans. However, as the concept of sisterhood has grown even stronger and technological developments have allowed women to connect and unify across the world, the idea of pure girl-gang loyalty has gone global and set a strict idea of what a ‘female friendship’ should look like.
This has led to darker developments with straining guidelines, such as ‘girl code’ and the virtue of being a ‘girls’ girl’, sometimes causing some major problems. It is no surprise that these relationships can often be hard to understand from the outside looking in.
Speaking from experience, I know how exhausting it can be to sustain female friendships and to fulfil the expectations that come along with them. Until recently, I was (and still am) a serial people pleaser and the loyalty I have, especially to my closest girlfriends, is infinite; I would go to the ends of the earth with them hand in hand.
However, the pressure and responsibility to provide absolute loyalty, protection, and sometimes free therapy at all times to the closest females around me, even at the expense of my wellbeing, meant that maintaining these friendships could sometimes become self-destructive. While such loyalty and care in our relationships can be beautiful and is what makes many of them so special, a few alterations to how we approach the idea of sisterhood will make sure our female friendships don’t become draining.
My first suggestion would be to check on your most sociable friend, the person who always gives advice, the ‘mum of the group.’ This is really important; I know I am much better at checking in with others than at checking in with myself and I am sure lots of you feel the same way! Being open with each other about how much we can give in our friendships and regularly adapting the expectations we have of each other is one way we can make our female friendships a bit healthier.
My second suggestion is to ease up on some of the strict ‘girl-codes’ that we have put in place. The deep-rooted, rigid loyalty that is expected in female friendships can be seen as early as our primary school playground friendships. I remember I was ‘only allowed one best friend’ and if I was seen playing with anyone else, I would instantly be kicked out of the club and given the silent treatment.
“The many riddling ‘rules’ that we are expected to follow even in our adult female friendships carry remnants of codes formed on the playground.”
I was even being controlled by my primary school bestie through the work of a winder bar – as long as I stayed, I could have the second strip of her winder. Sound familiar to anyone else?
While much of this toxicity is weeded out of our girl-to-girl relationships as we get older, the many riddling ‘rules’ that we are expected to follow even in our adult female friendships carry remnants of codes formed on the playground.
“To fulfil these rigid codes of sisterhood, we are always competing to be the most trustworthy, the most loyal, and the kindest within our female friendships.”
The hierarchies, jealousy, and gossip that often feature in female friendships highlight how this concept of sisterhood can be more divisive than unifying at times. To fulfil these rigid codes of sisterhood, we are always competing to be the most trustworthy, the most loyal, and the kindest within our female friendships.
These pressures can leave no room for making mistakes or for choosing to do what is best for ourselves. The smallest incidents can lead to the biggest bust-ups between our girlfriends because of the strict codes of allyship that we have built.
I believe that if we try to cut each other some slack and recognise that we all do make mistakes, we can build sisterhoods where we are always truly lifting each other up.
Ultimately, a less strict girl code will provide greater stability and loyalty in our female friendships and will bring out the best in them.
After all, the keen sense of loyalty that sisterhood encourages between our girlfriends does often lead to beautiful, blossoming relationships. When we trust each other fully, our female friendships can be our safest space to land and these therapeutic relationships can have major benefits for our mental wellbeing.
According to a UCLA study, part of the female stress response is to release the hormone, oxytocin. Oxytocin pushes us to gather with other women, tend to each other, and work through our stress together. This much calmer approach can moderate the ‘flight or fight’ response that arises when we are under pressure.
Unlike men, whose high production of testosterone under stress reduces the production of oxytocin, means they are often compelled to face stress alone, women rely on the ‘ride or die’ mentality we have with our best girl mates to face the most pressured situations.
I’ve found this absolute unity invaluable when facing some of the most difficult situations that us women can face while battling the patriarchy. We all have a memory of a fellow woman coming to the rescue when we are struggling!
“There is a whole online world of girls who will take time out of their day to slide into their DMs and fight your corner.”
Crying in a club toilet? A random stranger will squeeze in your cubicle and offer every piece of boy advice they read off Tumblr. Walking home alone? You best believe that your best girlfriend will pick up the phone within two rings and make sure you get home safely. Questioning whether your boyfriend is faithful? There is a whole online world of girls who will take time out of their day to slide into their DMs and fight your corner.
These are just some of the reasons that our innate drive to unify with other women, even if they are complete strangers, is so beautiful.
I believe that it is the intimate shared experience that we all have as women existing in a patriarchal world that leads us, instinctively, to befriend and connect with other women. This innate understanding helps us to build instant empathy for any other woman who is simply existing in the same dimension as us.
Not only do female friendships help support mental wellbeing, but they can also be really beneficial for our physical wellbeing too. According to a study published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology, women who don’t have any close girlfriends in their life are four times more likely to die from breast cancer than those women with 10 or more friends. If that’s not a sign to cherish the other females around you, I don’t know what is.
All in all, the occasionally griddling existence of being a female friend, a shoulder to cry on, a free therapist, and a teacher to all other humans that cross our path is worth it for the sheer unity and trust, emotional support and, in some cases, health benefits we get in return.
“A girl-friend will always have our back, even if that person is someone we’ve never met before”
The concept of sisterhood means that we know that a girl-friend will always have our back, even if that person is someone we’ve never met before and if we consider adding in some of the alterations I mentioned before, our sisterhoods will be stronger than ever!
Why exactly we form these complicated yet unbreakable bonds we form with other females is something we will never know but in what can sometimes feel like a man’s world, these sisterhoods are a solid tool in uplifting the female experience.
Josie Kennedy
Featured image courtesy of Josie Kennedy. No changes were made to this image.