Daisy Dewsnap

Trigger warning: discussion of domestic violence and femicide.

According to the UNODC, 47,000 women and girls worldwide were killed by their partners or other family members in 2020. This means that, on average, a woman or girl is killed by someone in their own family every 11 minutes. We are facing a global epidemic of domestic violence.

Netflix’s My Lover, My Killer

The popular Netflix docu-series, My Lover, My Killer (2021), delves into the harrowing stories of women who have been murdered by their partners — with Episode 5 focusing primarily on the case of Natalie Hemming.

The show’s production team told Deadline that they created the show in order to “equip people with the ability to identify the signposts before it’s too late.”

Natalie Hemming: A loving mother of three

Natalie, 31, vanished without a trace in May 2016. After years of coercive control, she was brutally murdered in her home by her partner of over a decade, Paul Hemming. Following the attack, Hemming dumped her body in woodland. Three weeks later, her body was discovered in, what the Sun called, “one of the biggest searches in Milton Keynes history.”

Prosecutor Simon Russell-Flint QC told the court Paul Hemming’s actions were “callous, cold and calculated.”

Hemming was sentenced to life imprisonment with a minimum term of twenty years, after Judge Richard Foster noted his “complete lack of remorse.”

The impact of domestic abuse

I spoke with Zoe Smith, Natalie’s niece.

Zoe said: “If I could describe Natalie with one word, I would say selfless. She went above and beyond for the people in her life, I knew if I ever needed anything she would be there in a beat.”

Zoe explained that her aunt’s death and experience of domestic abuse has impacted her own life and relationships “massively”.

“Really, there were two deaths from this, not just one.”

“For weeks after her death, I couldn’t sleep and I would have flashbacks. The whole thing was extremely traumatic. It still massively affects me years later.”

“I find it incredibly hard to trust people, as I always wonder: ‘What if?‘ It’s made me much more vigilant and cautious about the people I surround myself with.”

Describing the impact of her aunt’s death on their family, Zoe said, “I wouldn’t wish what Natalie went through, or the aftermath, on anybody. My amazing Nan was never the same after Natalie died and became unwell and subsequently died too — really there were two deaths from this, not just one.”

Zoe openly discussed the family’s thought process in their decision to participate in both the Netflix documentary and the Channel 4 documentary, Catching a Killer: The Search for Natalie Hemming.

“Our ethos was: If this can help just one person who is in a domestically abusive relationship, or someone who knows someone who is, to get the right support and potentially save a life — the whole thing was absolutely worth it.”

The stigma of domestic abuse

Zoe added: “I knew very little about the scale of domestic violence until Natalie’s death, largely due to that stigma.”

“Many people suffer at the hands of domestic abusers because there’s a lot of shame attached to it.”

A 2013 National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) study revealed that violent and abusive behaviour in intimate partner relationships accounted for 15 per cent of all violent incidents in England and Wales.

“There are people out there who want to help and support you, people who love you and don’t abuse you”

Zoe highlighted the importance of legislation to protect potential victims of domestic abuse, such as Clare’s Law. Introduced in 2014, Clare’s Law gives anyone the right to request information about any history of abuse or violence that a current or ex-partner might have.

Although we have come some way in tackling domestic violence, Zoe believes that we still have a long way to go. Despite domestic abuse being repeatedly flagged as a serious social issue, statistics show that very little has changed since the 2013 NCADV report. Ten years later, cases have increased from 25 to 33 per cent globally. Domestic abuse-related crime also now represents 17.1 per cent of all offences recorded by police in England and Wales.

The Legacy of Natalie Hemming

Zoe expressed her never-ending grief for Natalie: “I miss Natalie every single day and, as I said before, I would never want another family to go through what we’ve been through. I am grateful for my amazing family, we have been able to support each other through these difficult times.”

Thames Valley Police have advised that family, friends and community members can be a lifeline for those living with domestic abuse. “Please don’t suffer in silence,” Zoe said. “Getting the right support is crucial, reach out to friends and family if you can.”

“Both genders can become domestic abuse victims”

Small changes in a person’s behaviours like wearing long-sleeved clothing or heavy makeup in an effort to cover injuries can indicate abuse. However, Zoe noted that “Often the more overlooked signs are the mental ones.” 

Victims can become mentally and physically isolated from their loved ones as the perpetrator gains control. Restricted access to their own money, being overly apologetic, or appearing fearful and withdrawn can all be further signs of abuse.

Zoe stressed the need to increase awareness around domestic abuse, especially these kinds of coercive behaviours. 

“Open conversations need to be had in schools, colleges and universities, as well as campaigns. A really big one is challenging people about their behaviours. This includes men at clubs who think it’s okay to sexually harass women or talk to women inappropriately.”

She emphasised that both genders can become domestic abuse victims, and the stigma associated with male survivors of abuse must also be overcome. “It also includes the toxic culture of male survivors of domestic abuse being told to ‘man up’.”

“Call out abusive behaviour if you see it. Stop shaming people and believe victims.”

“Please know there are people out there who want to help and support you, people who love you and don’t abuse you.”

In the UK, the domestic violence helpline is 0808 2000 247. Alternatively, contact Women’s Aid, Solace or Refuge for advice and support.

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Featured image courtesy of Zoe Smith. No changes were made to this image.

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