Hating the way you look is never a nice feeling but learning to accept and love your insecurities is actually the complete opposite.
Considering my mum and dad are both relatively tall and can tan very easily to hide their dark, brown hair, it’s safe to say it has crossed my mind that I was swapped at birth. Skip to a few years later where my step-dad and half-brother come along who are also very tall and catch a lovely tan to hide the amount of hair they have. I am surrounded by tall and tanned people and this constant reminder has affected me up until now. Now, I’m at a point in my life where I am confident enough to talk about my insecurities.
I’ve felt a lot of negative emotions looking the way I do and it’s taken me a long time to feel comfortable in my own skin. I’ve felt insecure, unconfident, unattractive, and embarrassed by my pale skin and dark hair. So seeing two articles by girlsaskguys.com and brunette beauty.net discussing why pale skin and dark hair is attractive made me wonder even more why I didn’t, and oftentimes still don’t, feel this way.
Being around my friends – whom I thought of as attractive people – didn’t help. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t affect my friendships in a negative way but I thought and felt things that I shouldn’t. ‘Why are they prettier than me?’ ‘How does she manage to look like that?’ ‘Why don’t boys like me when they fancy my friends?’ I realise now this was foolish but I’m sure I’m not the only one who felt this way during her teenage years.
This really impacted my love life too. All the negative things I felt about myself stopped me from opening up to people and contributed to the fact that I was scared to be sexually active with people in case they didn’t like what they saw too. Although, when I started having sexual encounters and romantic relationships, the only person who had an issue with my appearance was me.
Having pale skin meant that I couldn’t tan. Not gradually, not instantly, nothing. I would just burn, bright red, then go back to my pale skin. I tried using fake tan but was terrible at it so I’d sometimes have my friend help me do it for nights out to make me feel slightly prettier. I went through a phase of spray tans and even had one before going abroad, resulting in me coming back paler than when I’d left with all the spray tan coming off in the pool. Being pale resulted in having family members, who see me regularly and have known me all my life, telling me I look tired – as if I didn’t know this already. And don’t get me started on foundation because I still can’t find the perfect shade.
Another thing about being pale is that it made my dark hair a lot more prominent and visible on other parts of my body. I have a lot of hair – thick, dark hair that you could find on literally any part of my body. I’m most embarrassed though about my arms and my stomach. My arms are the pat of my body that are most on show and my stomach is the last place on my body I get a tan.
Due to this I would often bleach my hair, use hair remover, and trim my arm hairs. Although I am proud to say I’ve never taken an actual razor to my arms – we all know where that would lead. I’ve also considered using some of my life savings for laser hair removal, knowing deep down that it will make a big difference to my life, but I have yet to take that plunge.
Jump ahead a few years later and I’ve completed a masters degree. I’m older and wiser and have learned a lot about myself, especially how to love myself a lot more. Even though I trim my arm hairs if they get too long on occasion, I’ve stopped with the fake tan and the bleaching, and I’ve learned to let go and embrace what I don’t like about myself. Not many people speak publicly about their insecurities but I hope that by gaining the confidence to share how my mine have impacted my life, I have helped someone, even if only in the smallest way.