Monday 8th June should have been my last A-Level exam. Finishing off the two years I spent at college with a German paper (yay!). Exams always fill me with dread, the pressure to succeed, the building anxiety beforehand, and then that feeling of crashing after the exam. It’s exhausting. It’s hardly surprising then that my first reaction to the cancellations of A-Level exams was an overwhelming feeling of relief. I felt lighter, free; I had my first good night’s sleep in weeks.
My feelings of pure joy were replaced the following day by an unexpected sadness. Two years of learning the content, exam practice, hours of homework, and coursework were over. My time at college was finished before I was ready for it to be. Now it dawned on me that I would miss out on the fun stuff as well. No final day to say a proper goodbye to my friends and teachers, no celebratory night out at the end of exams. It just ended. The days after were strange and confusing, waiting for announcements about how we would get graded and when we would get our results. It was comforting to know that everyone else was in the same situation. One of the things which have struck me about lockdown is a sense of unity and this is no different for A-Level students.
My original plan for finishing my exams was honestly a bit boring. I was going to spend as long as I needed saying goodbye to everyone, definitely have a cry (I cry very easily!). Then it was a train to Leeds to buy the new Animal Crossing game. Looking back, I don’t think that’s actually what I would have wanted, but I’ll never know what I would’ve done.
It’s not all bad, I got to finish all the content for my subjects. We even had a zoom party in English! If you’d have told me at the beginning of my A-Levels that this would happen if you’d told me at the beginning of this year that we would be experiencing a global pandemic. Well, I would not have believed you at all. The daily coronavirus updates which once felt like they were out of a dystopian novel, are now just normal. A lot of things which felt strange at the beginning of lockdown now feel normal: queues at the supermarket, closed restaurants, working from home. Not doing my exams is just a part of that.
Ultimately, I now feel both relieved and sad that my exams were canceled. Sad that I’m missing out on a what is a rite of passage for young people, anxious over the uncertainty of my results. But relieved that I don’t have the exam stress, and happy that I’m not alone in this.
Orla McAndrew
Image Credit – Lacie Slezak via Unsplash.